January 18th, 2009
The idea of Victim Offender Dialogue (VOD) can be challenging and sometimes even intimidating to those who have not seen it work. For certain victims/survivors and certain victim advocates, the idea smacks of “dignifying” the offender by engaging in a dialogue with him. On the other hand, for certain offender-oriented advocates, the idea seems to suggest either (a) further punishing the offender, or (b) taking the opportunity to forgive or “reconcile with” the offender. The truth is, neither of these is the objective of Victim-Centered VOD. Instead, the objective is twofold: to enable the victim/survivor – who initiates the process – to feel fully heard by the offender, and to enable the offender to understand and embody a deeper level of personal accountability to the survivor. VOD, which is not for every survivor or offender, requires careful preparation with each, and it requires that each continue to be free to withdraw from the preparation or dialogue process at any time.
If you have thoughts or feelings about the subject of Victim-Centered VOD, we invite you to submit them for potential posting here.
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January 15th, 2009
Beyond serial killers, our society often tends to see all offenders as pretty much the same. But sexual predators, whether “softly” predatory, or cruelly so, are very different creatures from most offenders. They are much harder to identify; they usually don’t look anything like the imagined archetype. On the contrary, they look like any of us — and that is what makes them so difficult to distinguish. And if we think the average citizen has a hard time distinguishing them, consider how difficult it is for survivors of sexual victimization to live in a world in which they have learned too painfully that “anyone” could be a sex offender. Consider how totally unsafe the world must now appear to a survivor of sexual assault or exploitation. And consider how all this adds to the complexity of living with the story, or the the history, of this kind of victimization.
We know of victims/survivors of childhood sexual abuse who, decades later, have told virtually no one about what happened. We know of some who wanted to die, afterward, and some who – in their unexpressed anger – later wanted to kill. We know of one person who did end up killing someone. And regardless of the directness of the connection in that case, all would say that entire parts of their lives were lost because of the victimization.
But these are mostly closely-held secrets. “Telling” about them feels like an absolute impossibility to most survivors. And yet the carrying of these stories and these histories is burdensome beyond measure. So what do we do? How can we help, as friends and family members – or ordinary citizens? The first thing we do is BELIEVE them. If we simply listen and believe, we will be offering them the greatest gift of all.
Tags: sexual victimization
Posted in Sex Offenders | No Comments »
December 23rd, 2008
The heart of our work lies mainly in listening to victims/survivors of violence and violation — regardless of whether they have any interest in ever meeting and talking with the offenders in their cases. Our primary objective is to help such survivors feel heard. If you are a survivor (direct or indirect) and you feel an inclination to have some thoughts or feelings posted here, we invite you to submit them for consideration. You may be assured that your anonymity will be respected.
Tags: Listening
Posted in Listening to Survivors | 2 Comments »
